Hard to Handle

I don’t have a way to sugar coat, tie it into a relevant pop culture reference or sync it with a story from my past. All I can do is say is this; I am scared.

I am scared that something has gone wrong inside me because the last few months have been the worst in the 2 ½ years since my diagnosis

I am scared that my doctors whom I, for the most part, do not trust are not taking me, my diagnosis, my treatment and/or my prognosis seriously

I am still scared that somehow, someway this is all in my head

I am doubly scared that this upcoming procedure next week will either:
   - not show anything (making the new doctors doubt me that much more)

b     - more importantly, show that things have gotten worse and there is additional damage

Thusly I’m scared that:
  -  It doesn’t show anything that things will remain status quo treatment and medication    wise
 -  if it does show something that there really isn’t much more that they can do besides throw more drugs at it.  Frustrating but also its all they can do

I am scared that my attorney may not believe as strongly in my case as I first thought she did.

Thusly I fear that Social Security will not believe me or take me seriously and tell me that I am not disabled and can still work when I know damn well that I can’t and subsequently

I am scared what I will do financially if they do deny it once again

The greatest fear that most of have is the fear of the unknown; we all have it in some form or another.  It is only natural. Kids are scared when they start school, people are scared when they start a new job and of course people are scared on first dates. Why? Quite simply that when you cannot see what happens next without being there, it instill a sense of fear in the what if's department. It may also bring excitement and anxiety but I defy anyone to say that there are not even a little scared of those things which the answers to are not readily visible and available. 

My illness is wrought with unknowns. Aside from being a fairly rare disease it is also very enigmatic. There are next to no guarantees when it comes to most aspects of it. The only sure thing is that drinking WILL make it worse and if kept up, it WILL kill you. I won’t let that happen.

As I have said numerous times and can’t see enough I love many, many things namely my wife, my family and my friends and regardless of the results of things, I will not give up on them as they haven’t on me. I am resilient and I’ve fallen down before and always get up and will always keep getting. I am scared, I am down right now but by no means am I out.

Prologue: People may be tired of hearing about my illness and me ranting about it and I can see why. However when you have something like this that pervades and affects nearly every aspect of my life, it is hard not to talk about it once in a while. Thanks for putting up with all of this.