Coming Home

Before the rant begins (anyone who knows me knew it was coming) I want to say thank you to all of my fellow veterans past and present. Your service wherever and whenever is appreciated

 *** Disclaimer – Some of memories may be off in some
details, numbers even dates and locations possibly. But the gist of the story and its context in the grand scheme are correct. *** 

Surprisingly, for a day this meaningful, the date has slipped my mind save that it was mid-March of 1990 and we'd been in Saudi Arabia for 7 months, in support of Operation Desert Storm. They had promised our return before Easter but we heard the same thing about Christmas, New Years and Valentines Day too so when they told us we'd be home by then, skepticism ran rampant. Its fulfillment brought a muted but happy response once we actually went wheels up and got off the plane to people speaking German. We'd escaped but were not quite home yet and I said two things.

1) I'll believe it when I see it 
b) I will do that kiss the ground thing when we land..wherever 

They didn't mention where until about an hour before. If they did,I missed in my distraction of trying to see Greenland (I didn't on that trip but later on my jaunt to Britain). At the point of any flight where they give you the seat belt/tray table lecture they said/confirmed that we'd be landing at Westover AFB in Chicopee MA and there would be a little welcome home celebration and Budweiser would have a beer tent set up. Now, quick factoid, Saudi Arabia was a dry country, so no alcohol really except one night in Qatar (not Bangkok). After that announcement, most of heard blah blah blah blah Budweiser beer tent. 7 months, missiles over your head and even hitting you etc, we felt we'd earned a drink. 

We landed, we went down the steps and I did indeed drop to my knees and kiss the beautiful, AMERICAN Massachusetts concrete. Then in uniform, we walked into the little celebration of band music, flags waving and what seemed to most of south central Massachusetts,It was a celebration worthy of return of soldiers and, in my opinion though, almost overcompensation and an attempt (as most of the war accolades seemed to be a in bit of a way) to make up for how some Vietnam vets were treated, I believe we owe them a great debt of  gratitude but I digress again. It was grand, it was welcome, I was like “wow, all this for learning to play spades and dress in chem suits 8 hours a day) Most of us walked hurriedly but thankfully towards the Budweiser tent visible at the end of the red, white and blue rainbows and I was no different. 

I got to the end of the line, the tent on the right, and I glanced down amidst the craziness and saw a gentleman in a wheelchair. He looked to be a Vietnam vet (based on slightly worn looking green jacket and certain patches. He held a small flag waving it ever so slightly and when I looked into his eyes he sat straight up to a sitting attention pose, saluted me and said “Thank You”. Yes, I heard the words above the noise somehow, and then he saluted me (I was an enlisted Sergeant, I'd never been saluted and did not think I deserved one now) I stood up straight (getting bumped by the Bud Light bum rush) and saluted him back with the best salute I think I ever had and said “No, thank you, you deserve it more than I) That 2-minute encounter and exchange stuck with me more than the free beer at the tent as well as the run of a bar and our return celebration in Vegas. This was a veteran who probably was not treated very well and may or may not have been at the time. But he saluted me for my service and me for his. Mutual respect, mutual thanks and both of us veterans. 

My moral? It doesn't matter where or when you served or what you did or anything during your military service. They/we are all veterans; active or retired, battle serving or not. Say thank you, but also realize there are vets who may not be getting recognition or help that they need. Do what you can, if anything but always recognize and respect who they are and what they did and do not blame the warriors for the war they were sent to. It’s not where, it’s that we did it. Thank you for indulging this rant.

8.5.7

Reflection of a Mosaic

There are those times that kind of nudge your brain and conscious towards realizing the value of life and the people in yours and put things into perspective a bit. Social media serves many purposes but ultimately it is about keeping in contact and sharing this about us, that are import to us, that make us laugh, make us cry, make us happy, make us sad, make us smile and make us angry. It has allowed me to keep in touch with people from every possible aspect of my life; from the places I've lived, to the places I have worked to the people I (used) to drink with, to the people I know via games and through the NCPSN (our national chronic pancreatitis support network)

But when you strip all those layers away, there is the same heart and soul within all of us. Here in this global village. But remember: These are real human beings you are talking to. They have lives, loves families and friends and mean something to someone out there. But most of all, that they are real people. And real people have real lives. Some of these people you talk to daily, some occasionally, some you only see on your birthday (or in my case sobriety date as well) but they are on your list for a reason.

This week, some of my family and friends have suffered losses and call it a medication withdrawal if you want, but it did hit me a little bit as I did show a bit of emotion. I lost a cousin after a long, hard battle with a horrible illness and one of oldest (in time known, not age) and dearest friends lost her loving father. Regardless of if I have met them once or twice or at family reunions, we seem to lose a bit of ourselves when someone we care about and love loses someone important to them. We are made up of what we have lived through, what we have survived and what we have shared. Time together is not as important as they fact that in somehow, someway they were a part of our life's mosaic and no matter the size of the piece, it is still an irreplaceable loss.

My deepest condolences go out my dear friend Heather, her mother, her brother and their whole family on the loss of their loving father and husband, William Dummer. We only met once but I remember it vividly and the quality of person that you are is reflected in your daughter, your wife, your son and the church members whose lives you touched as you dedicated your life to worshiping and sharing your love of God and his blessings and importance to the world.

And to my Barker side of the family, whom I am not as close to as I should be, the loss of my cousin Steve and his long fight with Huntington's disease, my prayers, thoughts and condolences go out to all of you as well. We may not have spent much time together, but you are family and I loved you. I have nothing but good memories and thoughts of Steve as kind-hearted, funny, loving, caring cousin, brother, son and father. Rock Chalk.

Each of you were a part of my life and in my own way I will never forget either of you for different reasons but the same sentiment. May you rest and find peace and love in embarking on your new journey. You will be missed and not forgotten.

Things like this and the permanence of my pancreatitis and other health issues, make me realize even more so that no matter what maladies and afflictions (past and present) that life has thrown at me then and now, life is precious, life is valuable and that nothing will make me believe otherwise. I am me; I love me, I know that you knock me down, but you can't keep me down and never will. I will fight on with everything I have to live best life possible and do my best to somehow, some way, make a difference in people’s lives. I want to be known and remembered as someone who is a good friend and will do anything for anyone to help and be here for you.

Today and tonight, I have told my mother once again that I love her, I will do the same with my wife, I want to make sure that all my friends know that you mean the world to me one and all.  Do me a favor, hug your family, tell them how much you love them and know that you and those who are important to you are also a part of my life's mosaic.

I've rambled on long enough; I am tearing up a bit again just writing this. I tip my cap and bow my head in your honor. Thank you for taking the time.

8.5.7

Don't Bring Me Down

“Now, a few words on looking for things. When you go looking for something specific, your chances of finding it are very bad. Because of all the things in the world, you're only looking for one of them. When you go looking for anything at all, your chance^-1”

FYI, if you haven't seen the above referenced movie, please do. It is one of only two movies that I can tolerate Ben Stiller in. But as always, I digress. On with the show..

My friend Jeff, whom I've known since we were about 7, once told me that he had a philosophy about movies. You see, I've been a cinephile since I first sat in that dark theater and watched Darth take down Obi Wan and learned how fast Han Solo did the Kessel Run. As the years went on, movies became a safe zone for me. When I was homesick living in Vegas, when I was sad over the infidelity or even lack of a significant other even when I had nowhere to live but my car, the movies were always there. They made me laugh, cry, scream at the screen, wonder why I just spent two hours watching what I did and other emotions that were a part of my life. So of course, it was my dream job to end up working in a video store and then a few years after that, I started to combine my other passion, writing and ended being a film critic for about 4-5 years.

I did this while I was living in Kansas City and since that where Jeff lives too, we did have occasion to go to the movies together. It was during our viewing of the polarizing Blair Witch Project that I noticed that there was a method to his madness when it came to his way judging films. He did not like the film, namely because it made him nauseous with all the camera work and the enigmatic ending. He said, “there was nothing positive or redeeming about it”. I explained that not all movies do and he, at least back then, had that as a deal breaker. Myself on the other hand looked for redeeming qualities in films not because it would make me decide whether I liked it or not but more I like to find reasons for someone else to like it even if no one else does. Believe me, this was difficult sometimes. Even the Big Lebowski (which the masses seem to have a problem with my not liking) and Napoleon Dynamite had at least one scene that I smirked at or recall.

The point of these first two paragraphs; there is good in most things if you look for it and in the past 4 years, with my limitations, I have been looking to find the positives in life that I may have missed before and trust me. It’s difficult. This disease sucks. It is painful, it is unpredictable, it makes no damn sense. It makes me at any time sad, angry and frustrated. It makes me want to scream or curl up in a little ball and cry or even briefly do the “why me” (even though I basically know). It’s okay to do these things; its cathartic, we should all do it once and a while. But there is a difference now from when I did this 4 years ago. I am still sick of the constant pain, the nausea, the medication etc. but now, my focus and perspective have changed.

You see the pancreatitis may not allow me to do certain things, but it cannot control or stop me from doing everything. Believe me though, this little nugget of wisdom took a bit to retain and accept but now that I have, I have spent time trying to find out what good can come of an enigmatic chronic pain illness and one day I realized that I was, as the quote above infers, looking for one thing in a sea of multitudes. Instead, I stopped looking and subsequently found what I wasn't looking for.
I've always been a compassionate, tolerant, patient person (thanks Mom). I've been that person (in retail and customer service) who “dealt” with that impossible customer/person who no one else could deal with. Why? Because I put myself in their shoes or just listened to them. But thus, as always, I digress. I was fortunate enough to become a part of an organization whose primary goals are to educate, raise awareness and help out people with this disease I have; l the non-profit organization the National Chronic Pancreatitis Support Network or NCPSN for short (check us out, like us, etc., you'll feel better that you did). You probably recognize us through our postings on our page and our fund-raising Through this awesome group of people who founded it and the subsequent people I've met because of it, I feel like I found what my, new, purpose was in life.

If I have to have and deal with this every day, and I seem to be coping with and accepting it as I progress through it, why not help people who haven't quite reached that point yet. You see for the few who don't know yet, this is permanent. It does not heal. It does not go away and, according to most of doctors (some more competent than others) it will never get better and will only get worse if you do not take care of it. These are why I am here. I am 56 days short of 4 years being diagnosed with it so I think I have gleaned a bit of knowledge on the matter and instead of being selfish and just keeping the “methods to my madness” of making it through each day, I figured I can take all of this information about what, where, why etc., do those who are not as aware as I am, do not understand as much as I do or even are not coping with it as well as I do. I have had 4 different people now, going through different levels and stages of the illness and helped them by educating and answering, to the best of my knowledge, the enigmatic, confusing and frustrating symptoms of it

Guess what Biff, you can stop me from doing a lot of things (sit for a long time, stand for a long time, walk for a long time, drink a toast on New Year’s Eve, eat certain things, not have to take pills every 3 hours, my doctors knowing me so well that they recognize my voice) but you cannot stop me from writing. You cannot stop me taking my intellect and my ability to use words along with my compassion and patience that I've learned throughout the years and turn it into something that makes me feel important, makes me feel like I have a purpose and makes me feel like I am making a difference in at least one person’s life because of the pain and crap I deal with every day. Thank you, Jeff, for forcing me to look for the good things, we may disagree on definitions of what makes a film redeemable but at least you made me start looking for them.

If you try hard enough and look deep enough, you may be able to find what your purpose is as well. If you have children, that becomes kind of obvious but even above and beyond that. It doesn’t have to be anything grandiose or large or anything and I'm not even really talking about “paying it forward. There are so many bad things in this world, leaps and bounds worse than what I have and go through daily. But somewhere, someway, somehow, if you look deep enough, you can find even a sliver of a silver lining. Sometimes we don't like how we got someplace but once we get there and realize we can make the best of it, the silver linings come into view. If life has given you a bunch of lemons, don't just make lemonade, make a lemon meringue pie to go with it. Plant a lemon tree to create more lemons to give others and help them see that we are defined not what we have, but by who we are and what our legacy may be. What will people remember about you? I want to be remembered for my intellect, my ability to use words, my ability to make people laugh but mostly, my ability to make a difference. I have found my way; I will help anyone deal with this hell to the best of my abilities. If I can bring even a little glass of lemonade to a thirsty person. 

Your limitations are only as limiting as you let them be. This illness doesn't define you, but it becomes as much a part of you as hair color and the depth of your voice. It’s not always what you have, it’s how you use what you do. If your body can't do something, use your mind, use your heart and then by not looking specifically for a way to make a difference, you will. Everybody has it in them to make a difference; the key is finding, accepting and then doing it. will feel a sense of success. Trust me because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you know I'm right.  

 1-Daryl Zero (Bill Pullman), Zero Effect, (1998), written and directed by Jake Kasdan

8.5.7

What's On Your Mind

note, this is unedited as it’s how I like to write. It may be out of order, it may be disjointed, it may be all over the place, but you know what, it’s how my mind works. Not all of life is organized, edited and grammatically correct. You want an honest look inside my head, here it is. And selfishly I will say this. I like comments, I like hearing what people thing, good or bad, I like ego-stroking, I don't think it makes me bad to be attention seeking and to want to know what people think. So with that...*

It seems like a lot of rants er entries and social media statuses revolve around the beauty of it is to connect and bring together each individual global village into one place. It brings together, well mine does at least, people from most states in the union and a few countries. And the beauty of knowing a lot of people is that you get a lot of opinions. And those opinions are not always going to agree and honestly, I'm happy about that. It is the beauty of social media, the beauty of America and the beauty of (most) of the world.

And with that, I'll light the fuse and stir the hive up a bit here because 

1) I can and 

b) I feel like it and it’s my blog and entry so there. 

Everyone who pays any kind of attention to news and such knows the topic, so I won't repeat it. As with most of my writings, I will just cut open my head and let it out. It may not be edited, it may not be politically correct, you may agree or disagree. It’s your right, please say so, I like comments. I like opinions. I like hearing what people think whether they agree with me or not. So..

I know that amongst my 893 friends I have quite an array of sociopolitical perspectives. Left, right, liberal, conservative, tea party, green part, libertarian, Unitarian, octogenarian I have them all. And contrary to what they may think when I post an opinion that differs from there’s, I don’t mind it. I love that we have a first amendment, I love that we can say what we want (to some extent) and that some will say yay and some will say nay. Agree to disagree is a phrase I like to use and is applicable more often than not in my head. But I think re: hope that the current event that most are lightly dancing around, will be one that polarizing differing perspectives at least on this one topic. I hope we all agree that despite our other differences, what this person said, did and believed in is, well, inappropriate and unforgivable. If not and you support such beliefs and the organization, feel free to exit..stage left even.

The following comes from my comments on the status and link of my dear friend Sarah Mathews and says basically, what all of the build-up and rambling above leads to, let me preface with this: I have never wished for the death of anyone, I have only celebrated the death of a few (well 2, Saddam Hussein who shot missiles at me for a couple of months and bin Laden for obvious reasons I hope). And when this happens, I will not throw a party, or toast a non-alcoholic drink even. I won't give him the power of elicit that kind of emotion. I will simply say that good riddance and move along my merry way.

I have been dead set, so to speak, on not acknowledging for the most part, his passing as it gives him one last round of what he seemed to thrive on; attention. I know you and a lot of my friends on the left and right feel the same way. I'm still torn honestly. But I think this article is this best way to get a final word on. A final shot across the bough of someone who doesn't deserve a modicum of any of the attention he gets in life or death. But this article actually succeeds in its attempt to go high road without feeding the hatred and attention machine that team on the vitriol of the masses. So I think I'll hit the share button., watch the link show on my wall, see the likes and comments and then will do my best to move forward in my life not letting his words, his presence or thoughts of his actions ever elicit another thought or action about other than my previously stated.

In closing I will say this regarding the diversity of my friends list and society in general. There is so much negativity on so many issues. Healthcare, equality in marriage, “don't take my guns”, conservatives are crazy, liberals are crazy, Tea Partiers are beyond crazy, he's wrong, she's wrong, I'm right, you're not”. Its dizzying, it’s frustrating, it’s to be expected though. We are a country of different people founded on people with different opinions. But we are called the United States so somehow, someway, we come together on some things and I hope this is one of them.

Maybe the passing can be a polarizing issue between the sides and bring differing views on equality and rights together realizing that deep down, we can at least agree on this one thing. I hope. Don’t make him martyr, don’t give him any undeserved attention, take it as an inspiration that leads you a direction but that you leave at the starting line. Move forward and don't look back at why you're headed that way.

..and as they say on Shark Tank..with that, I'm out. 

8.5.7

Awethenticity

The questions were posed, the answers are below.

How do you define authenticity for yourself?

Basically, authenticity is defining, understanding and being true to who you really are, not who people or society expects or defines you to be. Plain and simple, no more, no less but it goes much deeper than most people realize. Society has set and “established” so many expectations and norms that have become commonplace that it is easy to get lost in who we think we should be versus who we should aspire to be. There are so many factors that play into this.

How we are raised plays a part but it’s not all of it.  We are basically the product of how we were taught, what we experienced and most of all what we learned and interpreted from all of this. It’s not just what we know; it’s how we use it.  A very mentally unstable ex of mine said one wise thing in all of our years together.  There is a difference between being smart and being intelligent. Being intelligent is having knowledge, being smart is knowing how to use it. There are a lot of intelligent people in this world who have gained a lot of knowledge, but the key is knowing how to use it in relation to who you are.

Authenticity is simply about the truth and being able to handle the truth. The truth isn’t always pretty. The truth isn’t always sunshine and unicorns but to be true to ourselves we have to be ready to take the good with the not so good and understand that both are a part of who we are and that by denying either aspect is denying a part of who we are. No one is perfect and that is the hardest truth of all but in the end, all we can do is do the best we can to be the most authentic person we can be. Nothing we says we cannot try to improve those things that we see as not so favorable, but we have to make sure that we do not lose a part of ourselves in the process. Not everything in the world is good, not everything in the world is bad. The key is finding the happy balance in between and being the best person we can be. We are a product of what we have experienced and what we have overcome. We all have scars but have we have acknowledged what caused them and learned from it? We all have our triumphs and glories but have we respected what it took to bring those to us? Ultimately, as I stated in the beginning, it is knowing, understanding and being true and honest to whom we really are when we look inside ourselves.

How do you use this to be authentic for yourself?

 I have been forced, in the past 3 years, to face and deal with truths that I didn't like nor wanted to deal with or thought I ever would. I kick, I scream, I cry and I yell about it; almost daily. But when I'm done, I pick myself up, wipe away the tears, find the cat that I scared away with the yelling and say "Okay, so be it" and I figure out a game plan on how to deal with this new truth and reality. As other hurdles arise, I get knocked back down, I get back up, I assess and I move forward. Realizing, accepting, coping and progressing, sadly the past few years have brought these to the forefront with me and brought out qualities I never realized I had. Lather, rinse, repeat. The truth will never change, it is the nature of itself. People deny it, people don't want to see it, people don't want to accept it. But it is, and always will be. Authenticity is the result of these acknowledgements and acceptance and how you do it (it may be different for each of us) is how you are authentic to yourself.

I do my best to remain true and honest to the person I see in the mirror. I do my best to admit to myself that I am not perfect and may not ever be but I will try with all I have to be the best possible me that I can be. I realize that I have made mistakes and will make mistakes but each of them is a part of who I am. I am not afraid to be imperfect. I am not afraid to be flawed but I am not afraid to work hard to be the best me that I can be, the truth hurts, I feel it every day. But no pain, no gain as they say.

Look deep inside and ask yourself these questions. How would YOU answer them?

8.5.7

The Truth Shall Set Me Free

I do my best to stay and post positive or at least non-negative things (about my life and in general hence few politic themed things). Stress and negativity is bad figuratively for my mental state and literally as it aggravates my disease. And I do, for the most part. But keeping it inside can also be stressful so, like a volcano, things can only build up so long before they come erupting out. Venting/ranting/dumping is cathartic and necessary. So if you're looking for sunshine, rainbows and lollipops, you should skim down to cat videos or cutesy self-pics. This ain't for you. Move along.

No beating around the bush. No unnecessary filler. Just plain and simple and stripped of excess wordiness. 

• I am sick and tired of being sick and tired
• I am sick of not being taken seriously
• I am tired of no one having answers or being dismissive
• I abhor being condescended to and treated like a child
• I am a knowledgeable, intelligent adult and I have earned and deserve to be treated as such
• I would rather hear the brutal truth rather than a sanitized, vanilla frosting covered version of it

Just be honest. Just be forward and just give me the respect that I deserve and have earned. I know my body. I know there’s something wrong.  Unlike Nathan Jessup’s statement, I CAN handle truth. Give me time and attention I deserve and have earned in my 46 years.  Is that too much to ask? Answers, honesty, seriousness. It’s so simple to do and honor and right now, when my body is betraying me the most, it’s what I need.

·       If you don’t know, tell me and tell me someone who might 

·       If you don’t know, do some research and see if you can ascertain
·       If you do know, tell me. I can take it

It’s such a simple concept really. One of the many great things about children is that they will be honest and ask the questions that grown-ups are sometimes afraid to. If they think it, they’ll say it. They have not been tainted or jaded by real life. It’s too bad that some adults fail to grasp that concept.

Answers.  Honesty. Sincerity, Respect. Simple words, simple concepts.  As Nike© says says: Just do it.

Jerry’s life lesson #4377, learn it, know it, live it. There, now I feel a little better throwing the bucket of ice water truth. And for anyone who thinks I’m spewing negatively which will just stress me more, the opposite is true. It is out there and out of my system and I’m moving forward. I have survived a lot in my life. I am stubborn, I am a fighter and I will get through this too. Just watch me.

8.5.7