This is a modification and updating of a previous post..enjoy
On the eve of another rotation around the sun, I felt a bit
reflective on friendship and my life these days in general. Bear with me
because, as most know, I get a little rambly and wordy at times.
As some people may notice and/or may have commented to
themselves or out about, I have a lot of Facebook friends. I have gone through
and made sure that each and every one is someone who I truly consider a friend.
And physicality is not a determining
factor on what friendship entails, as referenced by the fact that there are a
good number of my friends who I know solely through online chatting either
here, or Yahoo or even AOL back in the good old days. My definition of
friendship lies in the words and actions reflected therein. Each and every one
of you holds a special place in my heart and I wish I had the ability to
personally address and thank every single person for being there for me. As I
have beaten into the ground, I’m sure, I am going through the hardest thing I
have ever dealt with in a life time that can be at least described as never
dull. And through all of my venting, my whining, my complaining and my general
descriptions of my physical and mental health, I have felt the power of
friendship from all of you and it has helped me deal with and cope with this
crap that I’m stuck with forever. And as I have said a million different times
in a million different ways (forgive my repetition but I really am sincere),
thank you one and all for everything
This is a basic breakdown of
the genesis and steps through the initial process/diagnosis. It was originally
written about 6 months into things and right around the time when the pain and
symptoms began to reach the level that they are at now. I have updated, edited
and modified certain aspects for current and correctness. Although some of the
emotions etc and such may have changed, the facts have not and my feelings were
current and correct as of the time I wrote it. Enjoy..
Apparently
Biff likes ice cream. Who would have thunk it. He also likes Count Chocula,
Double Stuf and White Fudge Oreos and lemon drops. This is a good thing because
I do too.
I
think one of the biggest casualties in this whole thing has been my
appetite. When I first when to the doctor about this around the end of
March, I weighed a svelte 195 lbs., more than I had weighed in a long while.
This was probably due to the new anti-depressants that I was taking. Once the
cramps and pain started kicking into full gear, the weight started dropping. At
my lowest point, right around diagnosis time at the end of May, I was 176
around May/June 2011 it was down to 154. It has since rebounded but still not
near where I was when all of this started but thus I digress...
Try the new pancreatitis diet plan and watch the pounds just melt
away.
The pounds
were slowly dropping off with each doctor’s visit and new test. First came the
sonogram checking my pancreas (just the surface) and found nothing. That was
followed by an endoscopy looking for ulcers or infections, nothing, the a CAT
scan looking at my pancreas again, 0 for 2 on that one and then a nuclear gall
bladder scan (which was really cool because I got to see my gall bladder glow)
which resulted in no answers either. By this point it was going on two
months and I had resorted to House
(which my doctor said she liked to watch to find all the errors), WebMD, and Mystery Diagnosis for any inkling of an answer.
By
this point I was seriously starting to wonder if this was all in my head. All
of the tests were showing nothing and there were no physical symptoms to
justify what I was feeling. I began to wonder if I was really stuck with this
until it "passed” or just stopped as suddenly as it started. My
doctor/savior was still curious and undaunted in her quest to get answers. I
was and still am very thankful for her being as stubborn as I am. She really
believed it was my pancreas despite all the other tests being negative but I
began to see her frustration with it as well. She said that she wanted to try
one more thing before referring me to a specialist. Let me back up a second, I
talk in lots of medical terms lately and have become very familiar with my
abdominal area and any and all tests involving it. This time they wanted
to put another tube into my throat, this time with an ultrasound monitor on it,
to further look at my pancreatic area.
One more time...with feeling!
This
one seemed a bit more serious and I actually was feeling a combination of hope
and fear that this would find out a) what was wrong and b) that I wasn't crazy.
Well, I am crazy but that's another rant for another time. Thus I digress.
Once again they wheeled me in, numbed my throat, put me to sleep and once
again, I remember nothing but the nurse saying something followed immediately
by waking up in the recovery room. It was really quite odd to just lose pieces
of my life like that. After trying unsuccessfully to wake me up a few times,
the doctor gave up and the nurse was there when I came to. She told me that
they found out that it was chronic pancreatitis. Then my girlfriend wife walked in and apparently, I say
apparently because I don't completely recall bits and pieces when I come out
from anesthesia, I raised both hands in the air and said
Me: "We have a winner!"
She: "What is it?"
Me: "Chronic Pancreatitis
Nurse: That means you can't drink anymore
Me: Does that mean I can't drink anymore?
Nurse: Yes
Me: Well, it was a good run
And
I have not had a drink of alcohol since. 950 days as the New Year rings in.
One
thing this has not taken and will not take from me is my sense of humor. When
it does, it means I have given up. And anyone who knows me knows that I am
nothing if not stubborn. And so the journey began from there. I don't think I
truly and immediately grasped the meaning of my situation until I went back to
the doctor (to whom I repeated the "we have a winner" speech) told me
what this diagnosis meant going forward. Words like, no cure, rest of your
life, take all these pills every day, rest of your life, don't drink anymore, rest of your life! Those words echo in my head,
every day, they consume me at times. In those moments my sense of humor is
gone. I want to give up. I want to give in. I want to just lie in bed and let
it win. Take medicine, do nothing, be on disability and basically become little
more than a shell of who I used to be.
But
in those moments, I hear the echoes of my mother’s voice in my head when she
told me "You control the disease, do not let the
disease control you, this thing does not define who you are and you cannot let
it, or it wins" Stubborn I am and I don't like to lose. Rest of my
life?? Bring it on!
Epilogue: I am now entering into second full year and 3rd
year in general of this and I think that things have leveled off to some extent.
After my diagnosis my gastroenterologist said that this disease is a long,
lifetime journey and that I hadn’t even began to crawl yet (this was 6 months
in when the pain had started to ramp up to the levels that its at now). And in
the beginning, it actually was tolerable. From May to say Sept/October my life
wasn’t near as disrupted as it has become. I was eating fairly regularly,
barely having any flares or adverse effects. Then somewhere the switch flipped.
It didn’t feel like it was built up to, it just seemed to hit me one day. That’s
when I ended up on the Oxycontin (which is now Morphine..most know my thoughts
on this) and the Vicodin became more prevalent. I think that throughout 2012 I
have mastered the art of crawling and even pulling myself up onto the
furniture. I have come to acceptance phase of things I believe. My life is a
routine, mostly out of necessity thanks to the bipolar aspect and my general
medical needs at given times. Those who
know me will understand the fact that I have to set alarms in order to remember
to take medications, that is when pain or symptoms don’t dictate that I have
forgotten. When in school I have certain days that things have to be done,
granted procrastination plays a part but I still get things in on time and my
GPA is sitting solidly in the mid-3.0s (not perfection, which some of you also
know is something I strive and chastise myself for; a procrastinating
perfectionist is what I call myself). Basically, as the title of my blog so
eloquently states..there is a madness to my methods and if you stick around and
pay attention, you will see and understand. Thank you for taking the time.
