Reflection of a Mosaic

There are those times that kind of nudge your brain and conscious towards realizing the value of life and the people in yours and put things into perspective a bit. Social media serves many purposes but ultimately it is about keeping in contact and sharing this about us, that are import to us, that make us laugh, make us cry, make us happy, make us sad, make us smile and make us angry. It has allowed me to keep in touch with people from every possible aspect of my life; from the places I've lived, to the places I have worked to the people I (used) to drink with, to the people I know via games and through the NCPSN (our national chronic pancreatitis support network)

But when you strip all those layers away, there is the same heart and soul within all of us. Here in this global village. But remember: These are real human beings you are talking to. They have lives, loves families and friends and mean something to someone out there. But most of all, that they are real people. And real people have real lives. Some of these people you talk to daily, some occasionally, some you only see on your birthday (or in my case sobriety date as well) but they are on your list for a reason.

This week, some of my family and friends have suffered losses and call it a medication withdrawal if you want, but it did hit me a little bit as I did show a bit of emotion. I lost a cousin after a long, hard battle with a horrible illness and one of oldest (in time known, not age) and dearest friends lost her loving father. Regardless of if I have met them once or twice or at family reunions, we seem to lose a bit of ourselves when someone we care about and love loses someone important to them. We are made up of what we have lived through, what we have survived and what we have shared. Time together is not as important as they fact that in somehow, someway they were a part of our life's mosaic and no matter the size of the piece, it is still an irreplaceable loss.

My deepest condolences go out my dear friend Heather, her mother, her brother and their whole family on the loss of their loving father and husband, William Dummer. We only met once but I remember it vividly and the quality of person that you are is reflected in your daughter, your wife, your son and the church members whose lives you touched as you dedicated your life to worshiping and sharing your love of God and his blessings and importance to the world.

And to my Barker side of the family, whom I am not as close to as I should be, the loss of my cousin Steve and his long fight with Huntington's disease, my prayers, thoughts and condolences go out to all of you as well. We may not have spent much time together, but you are family and I loved you. I have nothing but good memories and thoughts of Steve as kind-hearted, funny, loving, caring cousin, brother, son and father. Rock Chalk.

Each of you were a part of my life and in my own way I will never forget either of you for different reasons but the same sentiment. May you rest and find peace and love in embarking on your new journey. You will be missed and not forgotten.

Things like this and the permanence of my pancreatitis and other health issues, make me realize even more so that no matter what maladies and afflictions (past and present) that life has thrown at me then and now, life is precious, life is valuable and that nothing will make me believe otherwise. I am me; I love me, I know that you knock me down, but you can't keep me down and never will. I will fight on with everything I have to live best life possible and do my best to somehow, some way, make a difference in people’s lives. I want to be known and remembered as someone who is a good friend and will do anything for anyone to help and be here for you.

Today and tonight, I have told my mother once again that I love her, I will do the same with my wife, I want to make sure that all my friends know that you mean the world to me one and all.  Do me a favor, hug your family, tell them how much you love them and know that you and those who are important to you are also a part of my life's mosaic.

I've rambled on long enough; I am tearing up a bit again just writing this. I tip my cap and bow my head in your honor. Thank you for taking the time.

8.5.7

Don't Bring Me Down

“Now, a few words on looking for things. When you go looking for something specific, your chances of finding it are very bad. Because of all the things in the world, you're only looking for one of them. When you go looking for anything at all, your chance^-1”

FYI, if you haven't seen the above referenced movie, please do. It is one of only two movies that I can tolerate Ben Stiller in. But as always, I digress. On with the show..

My friend Jeff, whom I've known since we were about 7, once told me that he had a philosophy about movies. You see, I've been a cinephile since I first sat in that dark theater and watched Darth take down Obi Wan and learned how fast Han Solo did the Kessel Run. As the years went on, movies became a safe zone for me. When I was homesick living in Vegas, when I was sad over the infidelity or even lack of a significant other even when I had nowhere to live but my car, the movies were always there. They made me laugh, cry, scream at the screen, wonder why I just spent two hours watching what I did and other emotions that were a part of my life. So of course, it was my dream job to end up working in a video store and then a few years after that, I started to combine my other passion, writing and ended being a film critic for about 4-5 years.

I did this while I was living in Kansas City and since that where Jeff lives too, we did have occasion to go to the movies together. It was during our viewing of the polarizing Blair Witch Project that I noticed that there was a method to his madness when it came to his way judging films. He did not like the film, namely because it made him nauseous with all the camera work and the enigmatic ending. He said, “there was nothing positive or redeeming about it”. I explained that not all movies do and he, at least back then, had that as a deal breaker. Myself on the other hand looked for redeeming qualities in films not because it would make me decide whether I liked it or not but more I like to find reasons for someone else to like it even if no one else does. Believe me, this was difficult sometimes. Even the Big Lebowski (which the masses seem to have a problem with my not liking) and Napoleon Dynamite had at least one scene that I smirked at or recall.

The point of these first two paragraphs; there is good in most things if you look for it and in the past 4 years, with my limitations, I have been looking to find the positives in life that I may have missed before and trust me. It’s difficult. This disease sucks. It is painful, it is unpredictable, it makes no damn sense. It makes me at any time sad, angry and frustrated. It makes me want to scream or curl up in a little ball and cry or even briefly do the “why me” (even though I basically know). It’s okay to do these things; its cathartic, we should all do it once and a while. But there is a difference now from when I did this 4 years ago. I am still sick of the constant pain, the nausea, the medication etc. but now, my focus and perspective have changed.

You see the pancreatitis may not allow me to do certain things, but it cannot control or stop me from doing everything. Believe me though, this little nugget of wisdom took a bit to retain and accept but now that I have, I have spent time trying to find out what good can come of an enigmatic chronic pain illness and one day I realized that I was, as the quote above infers, looking for one thing in a sea of multitudes. Instead, I stopped looking and subsequently found what I wasn't looking for.
I've always been a compassionate, tolerant, patient person (thanks Mom). I've been that person (in retail and customer service) who “dealt” with that impossible customer/person who no one else could deal with. Why? Because I put myself in their shoes or just listened to them. But thus, as always, I digress. I was fortunate enough to become a part of an organization whose primary goals are to educate, raise awareness and help out people with this disease I have; l the non-profit organization the National Chronic Pancreatitis Support Network or NCPSN for short (check us out, like us, etc., you'll feel better that you did). You probably recognize us through our postings on our page and our fund-raising Through this awesome group of people who founded it and the subsequent people I've met because of it, I feel like I found what my, new, purpose was in life.

If I have to have and deal with this every day, and I seem to be coping with and accepting it as I progress through it, why not help people who haven't quite reached that point yet. You see for the few who don't know yet, this is permanent. It does not heal. It does not go away and, according to most of doctors (some more competent than others) it will never get better and will only get worse if you do not take care of it. These are why I am here. I am 56 days short of 4 years being diagnosed with it so I think I have gleaned a bit of knowledge on the matter and instead of being selfish and just keeping the “methods to my madness” of making it through each day, I figured I can take all of this information about what, where, why etc., do those who are not as aware as I am, do not understand as much as I do or even are not coping with it as well as I do. I have had 4 different people now, going through different levels and stages of the illness and helped them by educating and answering, to the best of my knowledge, the enigmatic, confusing and frustrating symptoms of it

Guess what Biff, you can stop me from doing a lot of things (sit for a long time, stand for a long time, walk for a long time, drink a toast on New Year’s Eve, eat certain things, not have to take pills every 3 hours, my doctors knowing me so well that they recognize my voice) but you cannot stop me from writing. You cannot stop me taking my intellect and my ability to use words along with my compassion and patience that I've learned throughout the years and turn it into something that makes me feel important, makes me feel like I have a purpose and makes me feel like I am making a difference in at least one person’s life because of the pain and crap I deal with every day. Thank you, Jeff, for forcing me to look for the good things, we may disagree on definitions of what makes a film redeemable but at least you made me start looking for them.

If you try hard enough and look deep enough, you may be able to find what your purpose is as well. If you have children, that becomes kind of obvious but even above and beyond that. It doesn’t have to be anything grandiose or large or anything and I'm not even really talking about “paying it forward. There are so many bad things in this world, leaps and bounds worse than what I have and go through daily. But somewhere, someway, somehow, if you look deep enough, you can find even a sliver of a silver lining. Sometimes we don't like how we got someplace but once we get there and realize we can make the best of it, the silver linings come into view. If life has given you a bunch of lemons, don't just make lemonade, make a lemon meringue pie to go with it. Plant a lemon tree to create more lemons to give others and help them see that we are defined not what we have, but by who we are and what our legacy may be. What will people remember about you? I want to be remembered for my intellect, my ability to use words, my ability to make people laugh but mostly, my ability to make a difference. I have found my way; I will help anyone deal with this hell to the best of my abilities. If I can bring even a little glass of lemonade to a thirsty person. 

Your limitations are only as limiting as you let them be. This illness doesn't define you, but it becomes as much a part of you as hair color and the depth of your voice. It’s not always what you have, it’s how you use what you do. If your body can't do something, use your mind, use your heart and then by not looking specifically for a way to make a difference, you will. Everybody has it in them to make a difference; the key is finding, accepting and then doing it. will feel a sense of success. Trust me because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you know I'm right.  

 1-Daryl Zero (Bill Pullman), Zero Effect, (1998), written and directed by Jake Kasdan

8.5.7